Surgery Prep

With just a few days before surgery, I tried to get prepared. I cleaned the apartment and did all of the laundry. For reasons, I don't understand, I redecorated my bathroom in a Bora Bora tiki hut theme. When you feel that your life is completely out of your control, Amazon provides comfort. Seth took the picture below that we had blown up. We were on the other side of the coral reef fishing when we took the photo. I was super sea sick at the time.  I found the "hand crafted" masks on Amazon. There's two others that I hung on a different wall. They look kind of mean in the photo but they are actually kind of happy looking.

The hospital said I would need a robe so I bought one of those on Amazon, too. (Pro tip: You don't need one. If you really care if someone sees your ass after repeatedly discussing bowel movements, and palpitating your breasts you have bigger problems that a robe will not solve.)

I digress. On the day before surgery (March 21), my gym did a special Rachel's WOD. These are my favorite movements although someone inserted wall balls into the workout. Rachel does not love wall balls. That farmer's carry was no joke. When I started the carry, I started reflecting on my journey with cancer (barf that I called it a journey) and then my forearms started to burn and I thought, screw cancer, I gotta get moving or my arms are going to fall off.

 I don't think I can adequately put into words how much it meant to me that OCCF did a special WOD for me and that a lot of people showed up at 6 am just to workout with me. (6 am is really damn early!) So much love to my OCCF family. The best people! (For some reason, I look like I am the only one who sweated. People have promised that this was not true. I am not sure. But I wanted to wear the Wonder Woman shirt and it is cotton and shows lots of sweat.)

I'm going to be honest, though. On this day, I was starting to get so pissed about having to have my boob cut off. I could not wrap my head around the fact that I would go to "sleep" and wake up with only one boob. Chemo is awful but at least your body parts are in tact. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with my anger because everyone always compliments you on being positive and stuff. I DID NOT FEEL POSITIVE. I felt like this was utter bullshit. See those dumbbells in my hands, I wanted to throw those through a window or something that would make a loud crashing noise.

But there was literally nothing I could do about it so I had a light dinner and didn't eat or drink anything after midnight and got myself ready for an 8 am check-in at the hospital.

Boob Envy

Sorry it's been a while since I last updated the blog. I've been working through a lot of difficult feelings. Sometimes it's cathartic to write them down, sometimes it's hard to re-live them. These have been hard to get through. I am surprised by the thin line between crying and wanting to punch someone in the throat.

17.4
On March 17, we did CrossFit workout 17.4. It was actually a workout we did last year. (It's pretty common to re-test workouts in CF.) It also happened to be the workout that I did the best at last year. I even beat Seth. 55 deadlifts at 155# and then 55 wall balls (14# wall balls to a 9-foot target), 55 calories row and 55 hand stand push ups. Do as many as you can in 13 minutes. Last year, I almost finished the rowing. This year, I only got to 36 wall balls. I was pretty proud that I got through the deadlifts since I haven't deadlifted a lot since cancer. Although I'm proud, I am bummed about my backslide from last year. There were times when I thought that I should do the workout again and push harder but my body hurt too much from the deadlifts. My poor hamstrings. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Pre-Op Massage
On Saturday, March 18, I decided to use a gift certificate I had to a spa since it would probably be a while before I can do anything like a massage, etc... after surgery. The gift certificate was for a Korean spa. In addition to the individual services, they also have common areas with whirl pools and saunas and stuff that you can use.

I got to my appointment 30 minutes early to soak in the tubs and I stared at every one's boobs. And I thought about how I will never have a right boob again. Maybe the reconstruction will be really good and no one will notice but maybe not. Maybe I will feel weird and deformed for the rest of my life. So I sat in the whirlpool and cried and looked at boobs. No one noticed since it was 900 degrees in the tub and it just looks like you are sweating. Plus, I have no hair so I probably looked creepy anyway.

Sitting there in the tub, I had boob envy. Getting through chemo had been such a goal, I hadn't really taken any time to think about the mastectomy. And now that I was thinking about it, I was pissed. And really sad.

The Struggle to Feel Normal

My mind is ready, even if my body is not.

I am so ready to feel good, to have a normal work week, to have a normal week of workouts. I'm just not quite there yet.

I'm having a heck of a time recovering from that last round of chemo. Part of it is the endless hot flashes and night sweats--it's hard to feel good when you're not sleeping. So many effing side effects. All I can think is what's next?

CrossFit 17.1 (first workout of the CrossFit Open)
I had my last chemo treatment on a Tuesday and I had until Monday to put in a score for the first workout of the CrossFit Open. I decided to do the workout on Sunday, five days after chemo. I did not feel particularly good before the workout but I didn't think I'd be a whole lot better on Monday. For those not in the CF cult, there are five workouts total. Each Thursday, the workout is announced and then you have until Monday to enter a score. For the top athletes and teams, this is how you get to regionals and then "the Games". The Games is what you see on ESPN. Obviously, the vast majority of the people who enter the open never make it to the next round so doing the open is a personal thing. I have no illusions of being anything other than 5,000,000th in the world--unless they come up with a category for people with cancer who are undergoing chemotherapy. Then I feel like I might be able to crack the top 100.

The 17.1 workout consisted of 35# dumbbell snatches and burpee box jump-overs. I am afraid of box jumps. When I started CF, I did jumps onto a 16-inch box. Since a few spectacular falls, I have always done step-ups onto a 20-inch box. (Jumps are two feet leaving the ground at the same time and landing on top of the box. Jump overs are that you have to jump down on the other side of the box. Normally you could just jump or step down to the place where you jumped from. Step overs are stepping onto the box with one foot. Here, we had to do a burpee and then jump onto the box with two feet and then jump or step down to the other side of the box.) On days where we have to do max-height box jumps, I have jumped onto a 20-inch box approximately 5 times in 2+ years. So, of course, I think, I'll do the 20-inch box jumps for this workout because those five that I have done are proof that I can. The workout is 10 snatches/15 burpee box jump-overs. Then 20/15, 30/15, 40/15, 50/15. There is a 20-minute time cap. (THANK GOD!) My gym got some soft boxes (normally they are wooden and ready to destroy your shins) that made my attempt at this workout possible.

This was one of the harder things I have done in my life. I was huffing and puffing after the first 10 snatches. And then I couldn't quite get my feet and legs that felt like they were made of lead onto the top of that box. But I kept trying. And I finally got it down. But I was so winded, I could only do five at a time. And when I say winded, I mean, I felt like I had just done 10 wind sprints on a full stomach. I got 66 reps in the 20 minutes I was allowed for the workout. And then I laid on the ground and sobbed. Ugly cried. Whatever. I did it.

17.2 
This workout consisted of front rack dumbbell lunges (#35 in each hand), toes to bar, dumbbell power cleans--and, if you got far enough in the workout, bar muscle-ups.

I couldn't get even one toes-to-bar. I was just starting to get them again right before cancer. Oh well ...  more concerning to me was the fact that I was not bouncing back from the chemo. I felt OK the weekend in LA but I felt like crap most of the week. The hot flashes and night sweats were bad. I'd like to sleep without waking up in sweaty sheets.

17.3
Between today and February 26, I have gained 10.5 pounds. Hmmm ... I wonder why.

Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I feel good? Why???

On Friday, I did the 17.3 workout. The "RX" or regular version requires chest to bar pull-ups which I cannot do. So the "scaled" version is jumping regular pull-ups and snatches. This version allowed me to do a power snatch and then an overhead squat.

This was my feet afterward. My ankles were spilling out the sides of my shoes.

I try not to think about what I could have done if not for cancer but sometimes I do think about it.

I have a week and a half until surgery. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better. In the meantime, I am going to get in every workout I can.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Getting Ready for Surgery: the Pre-op Visits

I met with my surgeon, Dr. Coleman, on March 2 and my plastic surgeon, Dr. Zetrenne, on March 7.  I had blood drawn on Thursday, March 9, so barring some really crappy numbers for my blood counts (that cannot be rectified prior to surgery), surgery is a go for March 22.

I was told from my initial diagnosis that a lumpectomy was not an option. Thus, even though I had what appears to be a complete response to the chemo, I will still need to have a mastectomy. As I mentioned before, I have decided to do a single mastectomy. They would do a double mastectomy if I wanted to do one. A lot of women are choosing a prophylactic double mastectomy. I understand why someone would make this choice. Sometimes I think I am crazy for not doing the same. But my decision came down to a) statistically my cancer is more likely to come back somewhere else in my body as opposed to in my left breast; b) after all that my body has been through (and will have to continue to go through), I wanted as easy a recovery as possible; c) I can't imagine not having at least one "real" boob for the rest of my life.

On that last point, people ask me how I'm feeling about surgery. I'm nervous about it but anxious to get it over with. I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around the thought of waking up from surgery and not having a right breast. Honestly, I think it is better to not think about it and just deal with it after it is a reality.

Because of my response to the chemo, Dr. Coleman discussed with me the possibility of a nipple sparring surgery. But she took one look at my boob and said, you know, when they do the surgery they are going to lift your breast and I think that the nipple will be in the wrong spot. This is a kind way of saying, your breast are too saggy for that nipple to be of any use. Dr. Zetrenne very matter-of-factly just said no to saving the nipple. (On a side note, if you'd have told me six months ago if I'd be writing about my nipples in a blog, I'd have wondered what had gone so wrong in my life.)

The one open question at this point is radiation. Dr. Coleman said that even though I had what appears to be a complete response to chemo (this will need to be confirmed when they test my tissue and nodes from surgery), the standard of care is to do radiation. In many cases, radiation would only be necessary if I had a lumpectomy. But, because of the extent of my cancer and that it was in my lymph nodes, radiation is recommended. This is compounded by the fact that I have triple negative cancer. We will know more after surgery. I do have the option to opt out of radiation if they determine all the cancer is gone. (I mean, I always have the option of opting out of particular treatments. No one makes you do chemo or have surgery.) I mean that I have the "safe" option of opting out.

To celebrate the good news of my response to chemo, Seth and I went to LA for the weekend. We stayed with some friends and went to the Broad Museum and then to a nice dinner at 71Above.

One of my favorite Jeff Koons works because it's sort of creepy and weird.

After one hot flash at the restaurant, I ripped my hat off and went bald for the night. Liberating.