Sorry it's been a while since I last updated the blog. I've been working through a lot of difficult feelings. Sometimes it's cathartic to write them down, sometimes it's hard to re-live them. These have been hard to get through. I am surprised by the thin line between crying and wanting to punch someone in the throat.
17.4
On March 17, we did CrossFit workout 17.4. It was actually a workout we did last year. (It's pretty common to re-test workouts in CF.) It also happened to be the workout that I did the best at last year. I even beat Seth. 55 deadlifts at 155# and then 55 wall balls (14# wall balls to a 9-foot target), 55 calories row and 55 hand stand push ups. Do as many as you can in 13 minutes. Last year, I almost finished the rowing. This year, I only got to 36 wall balls. I was pretty proud that I got through the deadlifts since I haven't deadlifted a lot since cancer. Although I'm proud, I am bummed about my backslide from last year. There were times when I thought that I should do the workout again and push harder but my body hurt too much from the deadlifts. My poor hamstrings. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Pre-Op Massage
On Saturday, March 18, I decided to use a gift certificate I had to a spa since it would probably be a while before I can do anything like a massage, etc... after surgery. The gift certificate was for a Korean spa. In addition to the individual services, they also have common areas with whirl pools and saunas and stuff that you can use.
I got to my appointment 30 minutes early to soak in the tubs and I stared at every one's boobs. And I thought about how I will never have a right boob again. Maybe the reconstruction will be really good and no one will notice but maybe not. Maybe I will feel weird and deformed for the rest of my life. So I sat in the whirlpool and cried and looked at boobs. No one noticed since it was 900 degrees in the tub and it just looks like you are sweating. Plus, I have no hair so I probably looked creepy anyway.
Sitting there in the tub, I had boob envy. Getting through chemo had been such a goal, I hadn't really taken any time to think about the mastectomy. And now that I was thinking about it, I was pissed. And really sad.
I have been reading but been sucky at commenting and reaching out. So, here I am - super late on this one. You, my dear, are off the charts BRAVE and BAD ASS and HONEST as HELL and STRONG as HELL. Thank you for sharing your journey and sharing yourself. And each day that you give it your all is a MONSTER success ... no matter how it stacks up to a CF score from another day nor how matter how many tears run down your face and no matter how pissed off you get (it might matter if you punch someone in the throat but I think you get a pass on a few of those too). No matter what you do or do not do, you will still be KICK ASS Rachel! HUGS and LOVE! Jill
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