The Struggle to Feel Normal

My mind is ready, even if my body is not.

I am so ready to feel good, to have a normal work week, to have a normal week of workouts. I'm just not quite there yet.

I'm having a heck of a time recovering from that last round of chemo. Part of it is the endless hot flashes and night sweats--it's hard to feel good when you're not sleeping. So many effing side effects. All I can think is what's next?

CrossFit 17.1 (first workout of the CrossFit Open)
I had my last chemo treatment on a Tuesday and I had until Monday to put in a score for the first workout of the CrossFit Open. I decided to do the workout on Sunday, five days after chemo. I did not feel particularly good before the workout but I didn't think I'd be a whole lot better on Monday. For those not in the CF cult, there are five workouts total. Each Thursday, the workout is announced and then you have until Monday to enter a score. For the top athletes and teams, this is how you get to regionals and then "the Games". The Games is what you see on ESPN. Obviously, the vast majority of the people who enter the open never make it to the next round so doing the open is a personal thing. I have no illusions of being anything other than 5,000,000th in the world--unless they come up with a category for people with cancer who are undergoing chemotherapy. Then I feel like I might be able to crack the top 100.

The 17.1 workout consisted of 35# dumbbell snatches and burpee box jump-overs. I am afraid of box jumps. When I started CF, I did jumps onto a 16-inch box. Since a few spectacular falls, I have always done step-ups onto a 20-inch box. (Jumps are two feet leaving the ground at the same time and landing on top of the box. Jump overs are that you have to jump down on the other side of the box. Normally you could just jump or step down to the place where you jumped from. Step overs are stepping onto the box with one foot. Here, we had to do a burpee and then jump onto the box with two feet and then jump or step down to the other side of the box.) On days where we have to do max-height box jumps, I have jumped onto a 20-inch box approximately 5 times in 2+ years. So, of course, I think, I'll do the 20-inch box jumps for this workout because those five that I have done are proof that I can. The workout is 10 snatches/15 burpee box jump-overs. Then 20/15, 30/15, 40/15, 50/15. There is a 20-minute time cap. (THANK GOD!) My gym got some soft boxes (normally they are wooden and ready to destroy your shins) that made my attempt at this workout possible.

This was one of the harder things I have done in my life. I was huffing and puffing after the first 10 snatches. And then I couldn't quite get my feet and legs that felt like they were made of lead onto the top of that box. But I kept trying. And I finally got it down. But I was so winded, I could only do five at a time. And when I say winded, I mean, I felt like I had just done 10 wind sprints on a full stomach. I got 66 reps in the 20 minutes I was allowed for the workout. And then I laid on the ground and sobbed. Ugly cried. Whatever. I did it.

17.2 
This workout consisted of front rack dumbbell lunges (#35 in each hand), toes to bar, dumbbell power cleans--and, if you got far enough in the workout, bar muscle-ups.

I couldn't get even one toes-to-bar. I was just starting to get them again right before cancer. Oh well ...  more concerning to me was the fact that I was not bouncing back from the chemo. I felt OK the weekend in LA but I felt like crap most of the week. The hot flashes and night sweats were bad. I'd like to sleep without waking up in sweaty sheets.

17.3
Between today and February 26, I have gained 10.5 pounds. Hmmm ... I wonder why.

Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I feel good? Why???

On Friday, I did the 17.3 workout. The "RX" or regular version requires chest to bar pull-ups which I cannot do. So the "scaled" version is jumping regular pull-ups and snatches. This version allowed me to do a power snatch and then an overhead squat.

This was my feet afterward. My ankles were spilling out the sides of my shoes.

I try not to think about what I could have done if not for cancer but sometimes I do think about it.

I have a week and a half until surgery. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better. In the meantime, I am going to get in every workout I can.